


Haunted

by Liyyah



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst without plot, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-23 04:24:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13182300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liyyah/pseuds/Liyyah
Summary: Donna spends another night missing Harvey.





	Haunted

Missing Harvey came at her in waves.

At three in the afternoon, in a meeting with Jessica when her mind would idly drift to another office in another firm in a city she used to call home.

During long nights at work, pouring over one file after the next, unable to stop herself from remembering other similar times filled with scotch and easy laughter and butterflies in her stomach.

In the morning, as soon as she opened her eyes and grabbed her phone, half expecting to see a missed call or text pop up on the screen in her groggy state before the truth would hit her all over again.

At this moment, it was two am and Donna was drowning.

Tangled in the sheets, she hugged her pillow tightly against her chest, squeezing her eyes shut as she begged for sleep to take her away.

However, the universe appeared to relish her suffering.

A part of her wondered what would happen if she just called him. Would it really be so bad?

The little voice inside her whispered that she had drunk too much wine and _yes it would be bad._

But it wasn’t her fault.

Donna’s day had been busier than usual and she barely even got a chance to breathe, let alone think. So it was only when she finally returned to her apartment, filled with exhaustion, did she notice the date.

It was the day she had started working for Harvey.

_Their anniversary._

And it hurt a lot more than she thought it would. The day and all that it represented was a knife through her chest now.

So of course she had turned to alcohol to dull some of her misery.

As Donna tossed and turned in bed, she wondered if he remembered.

She wondered if he cared. If he missed her too.

 _He has Paula_ said the voice, an unwelcome reminder that he already had everything he needed.

_That wasn’t fair._

He was happy. She _wanted_ him to be happy.

Donna just wished she knew why his happiness had to come at the expense of hers.

All of a sudden her throat burned but she swallowed back the tears struggling to break free because she had sworn to herself that she was done crying over Harvey.

Yet it seemed that her heart hadn’t gotten the memo.

Impulsively, she kicked off her blanket, not thinking very clearly as she headed to the living room. Grabbing the phone, she dialed the number she had memorized years ago. Harvey wouldn’t recognize her landline.

She didn’t want him to know it was her in case she chickened out.

 _Donna Paulsen doesn’t chicken out_ she couldn’t help but think.

But then again Donna Paulsen usually didn’t go around kissing her best friends when they were in relationships and making a mess out of absolutely everything.

 _He kissed back_ the thought that echoed throughout her brain for months repeated itself again.

It didn’t matter. He didn’t choose her.

Staring at the phone in her shaking hand, there was nothing more she wanted than to walk away and save the pride that she had left.

However she just needed to hear his damn voice.

So she called, taking a deep breath as she listened to the ringing, waiting.

Her heart was thunder in her chest as she leaned against the wall, every second passing by feeling like an eternity.

“Hello?” a voice finally answered.

Just not the one she wanted to hear.

“Hello? Is anyone there?” the clipped British accent came through the receiver.

Reflexively, Donna quickly hung up, dropping the phone as if it burned her.

She supposed it did in a way.

Something about Paula answering Harvey’s phone tied her stomach up in knots and she resisted the urge to throw up right there.

But she didn’t have a right to feel like that did she?

A bitter laugh threatened to escape from within her because here she was like a crazy ex calling him at all hours in the morning.

Except she wasn’t even that.

_She was nothing._

How was it that she was merely a speck of dust in his world when he had become all of the light in hers?

Harvey wasn’t just the moon and stars in her sky but the entire sky itself.

_Hell he was the whole fucking galaxy._

However there was a point in time when she _did_ mean something to him.

When their days were filled with easy banter and flirting. Fixing his tie while he stared at her with a smirk.

When he had brought her flowers with that smile she adored, the words _I’m a Donna fan_ falling from his lips.

When he confessed that the thought of her going to prison made him want to drop to his knees and the admission almost made her fall to hers.

When he showed up to her place when shit exploded with Mike, his eyes glassy and shirt crumpled as she met his gaze and told him with pure conviction that he was worthy.

_That she couldn’t lose him._

She did anyway.

The memory of his hand in hers while they stared out at the city fluttered at the edge of her brain and she grasped it, pulling it close to her chest along with all of the other phantoms of her past.

Every treasured instant with Harvey was nothing more than a pile of ashes now and Donna was stuck with the home she had built from the ruins.

Her entire body was heavy as she replaced the phone on the stand and trudged back towards her bedroom, everything appearing blurred. She climbed into bed, pulling the blankets around her as she cradled the broken pieces of her heart yet again.

At first, when Donna had just left New York, she thought that Harvey had kept her heart, clutched in his fist and that the constant ache deep inside her was a result of the gaping hole.

That wasn’t true though.

Harvey had no use for her heart.

So it was still there, shattered beyond repair, the shards like glass piercing her and causing her to bleed out from the inside.

Weeds and vines filled with thorns had sprouted within her, thriving in the darkness she had become.

As that familiar sadness spread throughout her entire being, Donna hated herself for being unable to move on.

Every time she took a step forward she took two steps back soon after.

No matter how hard she tried, she could never completely let him go.

She didn’t know how to.

Maybe she didn’t want to.

Donna didn’t know which was worse.

All she knew was that once upon a time she had believed that they would one day be something more. And she was still struggling to come to terms with the fact that she was wrong.

His happily ever after didn’t include her.

And as she eventually began to drift off, ready to be haunted by him in her dreams yet again, Donna couldn’t help but recall the words _you know I love you._

It was a shame that he didn’t love her enough.

**Author's Note:**

> this is a whole mess because it’s just some shit that I wrote when I was in my feelings and missing someone that I shouldn’t lmao. But thanks for reading.


End file.
